While at a college presentation recently, I was remembering some of my experiences that I had many years ago when I was a college student. Periodically, there is one experience that pops back up over and over, here and there, and eats at me. I made a decision that I have questioned and have wondered if I could go back, would I have done what I did differently. I don’t know? I don’t know if I did the right thing or if I did the wrong thing, but it is something that I have felt guilty about all these years since and I haven’t been able to fully put it behind me.
During the middle of the presentation, I received a message on my phone from a friend I’ve known since childhood, but had not had direct correspondence with in years. As the struggle was taking place in my mind and I glanced down to see my friend’s kind message come through, I was taken back to a specific memory I had with this friend several years back. I opened up to them about a choice I had made that I had not resolved and it had bothered me for over 20 years until I got it off my chest apologizing to my friend for my actions.
My friend warmly received me. As I finally put my wrong to rest, I felt a weight removed. Even after the wrong I had done, this friend still loved and cared about me and saw past my error and saw the person I am truly. I was not my mistake. I am a good person, imperfect, mortal, and am learning and growing like everyone else and I do mess up. In a quick, split second as I glanced at the message and in remembrance of that experience, I heard the words, “Stop being so hard on yourself”.
On my drive home, I pondered on what had just occurred as I kept questioning my long ago decision as a college student. Each time the experience had came up, I continued to feel sorrow and pain. This time was no different. I had been tucking away the pain, setting it aside, ashamed, disappointed, uncertain if I had adequately dealt with it earlier, struggled to forgive myself, and not sure what to do to rid it fully from gnawing at me.
As I reached out to Heavenly Father in prayer on my way home, I thought about my knowledge of the Atonement. I knew I couldn’t change the past, but I could learn from the past to not make the mistake again in the present or the future. I knew Heavenly Father wanted me to be happy moving forward. As I was dialoguing with Heavenly Father, the words “embrace it” came very clearly and distinctly. In that instance, I felt a peace. I sought confirmation of this response. And again, I felt peace. My pain and suffering washed away. All these years later as I have avoided the benefits my choice could have had because I questioned if my actions were right or not, I heard, “embrace it, use what you have done for your good”. In addition to feeling peace, I also felt an excitement.
I responded back, replying to Heavenly Father, “ok, I will embrace it”. I felt joy. My pain had stayed with me long enough and it was a tender mercy both messages I received, “Stop being so hard on yourself” and “Embrace it”, allowed me to release the pain I was holding on to and experience joy.
When have you hung on to a mistake you made long ago and after praying and hearing specific words given to you from a loving Heavenly Father, you were finally able to let it go?
tendermercym♥ments~jld