For more than two decades, I have dealt with intense anxiety while traveling here and there in a car with no idea why or from where it originated. It was not until recently that the underlying source of my anxiety fully came to light.
I have racked my brain for years desiring to pinpoint any occurrence from whence I acquired the anxiety. Repeatedly, the same multiple memories of driving incidences would come to mind—the time during my childhood days while in the backseat in our family station wagon when our car was one of several vehicles abruptly tapped forward at a traffic light…to a time as a passenger in a vehicle with a road rage driver…to a time in high school as an occupant in a small car with friends and the friend who was driving drove through a stop sign at a main thoroughfare and crossed several lanes of traffic…to when my mom almost ran a red light at an intersection when she misheard my siblings in the backseat say a word that sounded like go…to the time as a teenager on a family trip when I drove through a mountain pass at night and the lights of a diesel truck blinded my view momentarily as the driver rounded a bend heading downhill from the inner lane next to the mountainside and I was climbing uphill in the outer lane alongside a cliff‘s edge.
Though all were scary moments and it was a tender mercy no one was scathed, I would shake my head and say “nope, none of those feel like the source of my anxiety” and I would continue to wonder and ask the question, “why do I have this anxiety and from where did it originate?” No doubt I have been impacted by each incident, yet nailing down the underlying source of my anxiety has alluded me, until recently when I was back in the city where my first driving accident occurred 30 years ago.
As I was driving home on a parkway during rush hour traffic, I received a premonition I would be in an accident. Moments later, the car in front of me exited the lane and entered a middle lane to turn into a shopping center and then the driver changed their mind and came back over into my lane right in front of me, at which time my front bumper hit their back bumper. Fortunately, it was a tender mercy no physical injuries to either of us or visible damage to our cars occurred. That being the case, the driver was satisfied all was well and we went on our way.
The year or two following and for a number of years after, while attending college and serving a mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints I did not have a car. I either walked, biked, or used public transportation to get around. My first recollection of the apparency of my anxiety was while my husband and I were driving in highly congested areas on our honeymoon six or so years after the accident. From that point forward, my anxiety has surfaced every time I am in a car, yet I have not been able to put my finger on the underlying source until now.
Throughout my entire stay upon my return to this surrounding area where the minor accident occurred, I felt an overwhelming anxiety, greater than usual while driving from place to place. Then suddenly, one evening as I was out and about I had an aha moment, an epiphany. It was a tender mercy it became clear to me right then that my anxiety resulted from the accident 30 years prior.
Interestingly, I have on many occasions shared the facts of the accident as it comes up in a dialogue from time to time with a purpose to express my gratitude for the head’s up warning, our safety, and that I was not ticketed. Where I was not physically injured, I had not connected nor realized that the accident had mentally impacted me and has shown up each time I am in a car and want for there to always be a conservatively safe distance kept between my car and the vehicles ahead of me in the event a driver quickly pulls in front of my car. It is when that safe distance is breached, I experience intense anxiety, which happens frequently.
Though this knowledge did not eliminate my anxiety, it was a tender mercy that the underlying source of my anxiety fully came to light and I now know the why and from where my anxiety originated. In addition, it was a tender mercy when one evening as I was close by the very spot the accident occurred, I felt a peacefulness.
When have you experienced bouts of anxiety to any degree of any kind and not known the why and from where it originated and you felt a comfort when the underlying source of your anxiety fully came to light?
tendermercym❤️ments~jld
“How have you noticed Heavenly Father’s awareness and mindfulness of you today?”
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