Although I was drawn to post a particular Tender Mercy Moment to my blog, I was contemplating whether I should. I was hesitant and nervous about being vulnerable. I also felt a darkness and heaviness bear down on me to NOT post. I was confused by the feelings. I was debating whether posting the entry was the right thing to do or not and I considered setting it aside to focus on posting a different one, but I felt a pull to that entry.
I was questioning if my feeling nervous and reluctant was a message to not move forward posting the entry, therefore, the darkness was confirming that thought process. Or, was the nervousness, my feeling inadequate not knowing if the post would be an inspiration to someone else. I began to see it was the latter.
It is hard posting entries and putting myself out to lots of people uncertain how they will respond or react. Yet, I know my Tender Mercy Moments are meant to be shared with others. I have seen and heard many overcome personal fear, and their gift and light has blessed the lives of so many.
Over the course of several minutes as I prayed to know what I should do, the experience was intense. The feeling to not post was more than I have ever felt before. In a matter of minutes, my mind shifted constantly back and forth wanting to do the right thing, but not knowing what was the right thing to do.
As I was trying to decide how I should proceed, I asked myself the question, “Is the nervousness I am feeling God wanting me to turn away from posting because it is actually a bad thing or is it Satan trying to stop me from doing something that will spread light to a lot of people?” As pressure was mounting to step away, one by one for every thought pulling me away from posting, there was a reassuring image of light, phrases, and stories also entering my mind. I focused my attention and hung onto what I knew and felt was true. The truth countered the lies.
It was a testimony to me that the goodness Heavenly Father has called me to do is significant enough that Satan wanted to stop me. I know now that the number of individuals the blog will bless is a force for good. I didn’t realize that at first as I was confused and trying to discern the right path to follow, but then began recognizing the source of the darkness and heaviness surrounding me. I know Satan wants to disrupt goodness and I felt his influence very strongly.
In this process, I was reminded of the Prophet Joseph Smith‘s experience in the Sacred Grove as he prayed to God seeking to know which church was true and if he should join any of the many churches that were in his area. The answer to that question would bless the lives of many, many people. Satan knew this. Darkness overshadowed Joseph with such greatness he could not speak and then a bright light dispersed the darkness as Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ appeared to him.
I was able to break through the darkness pressing down on me because of small and simple messages and thoughts entering my mind through a still small voice. I knew what I was receiving was truth. Among the depths of the darkness surrounding me as Satan was trying to deter me from doing what Heavenly Father has inspired and prompted me to do, I was in a place of desire to hear through the Holy Ghost what Heavenly Father wanted me to know.
It is easy at times to listen to others as they discourage you away from doing good. I was teetering not knowing what direction I should go. During the conflict, as I was hugely consumed by darkness, I could see this tiny light. The light was only a flicker and as I made the decision to post the entry, the darkness lifted. I felt that the post was meant for someone. I chose to move forward grasping on to that flicker of light. It was a powerful moment for me. The smothering darkness is real and very influential in a strong and negative way, so much so, it is confusing to know what to believe. I am grateful I was able to hear the still small voice and as I listened, it became clear to me that posting the entry was the right thing to do.
When have you been in a quandary and felt enormous pressure pulling you away from putting yourself out there, yet what you were reluctant to do was the right thing to do?