Category: Anxiety

Come To Know The Why

With my intense anxiety on slick roads, being in a solid, secure vehicle with suitable tire traction for the projected conditions was a singular, come to know the why moment, a reason, if you will, our car randomly stopped working. 

Have you ever asked yourself these questions, silently or out loud, “Why do bad things happen to good people?! Why did this happen to me?! Why did this happen for me?!” Though the answers may remain a floating question, without an answer and elusive at times, other times you may, to a degree, come to know the why, the reason for the reason. One such time for me came the weekend of my dad’s unexpected passing. 

Each morning, after I drop off my youngest at school, I will back into a parking spot until about 15 minutes beyond the school start time, as vehicles coming and going can get pretty congested and crazy, which in turn spikes and intensifies my anxiety. While I wait out the time for a bit, I’ll turn off the car to conserve gas and either attend to various tasks on my phone, read a physical book, or listen to a podcast. 

On this particular Thursday morning, upon ready to head back home, as I turned on the car, it would not start. A slew of flashing lights appeared on the dashboard. Not only that, it was as if the car lost its grounding and was slipping away. It felt like the car was moving forward. Even with my foot on the brake pedal, I was concerned about the car rolling into the parked car in front of me, so I applied the emergency brake as well, which seemed to do nothing at all. 

Not knowing what was going on, I straightaway pulled out the dealership manual from the glove box to figure it out, and still, with no idea how to solve for what was going on, I reached out to my husband who came to my assistance. We ended up leaving the car in the school parking lot. Once home, I called the dealership and learned it was likely the battery. My husband returned to the school and jumpstarted the car, alone a tender mercy I had backed into the parking spot, and the car then sat in our garage, undriveable for several days before the proper installation of a new battery could take place. In the meantime, it was a tender mercy we had a backup vehicle to drive, a truck in particular.  

The next evening as my husband and I had just finished a dinner date, I received a text from one of my siblings that I was processing as we were leaving the restaurant. I wasn’t sure what to make of the message, if it was for real or not. We did not travel far before I elected we stop and pull into a gas station and I shared with my husband the message, “not sure if dad will make it through the night”. The validity of the message left me up in the air as to what to do. Though uncertain, as I had no preliminary knowledge of my dad being physically unwell, I decided it would be better to go see him than not. 

It was a tender mercy not only that the gas station we had stopped at was right next to the interstate that traveled directly up to my dad’s residence, but also that we were in the truck the evening of the first winter storm advisory of the season. With my intense anxiety on slick roads, being in a solid, secure vehicle with suitable tire traction for the projected conditions was a singular, come to know the why moment, a reason, if you will, our car randomly stopped working. 

Upon reaching my dad and visiting with him and getting updates from my siblings, I learned that one and half weeks earlier, my dad was vibrant, vivacious, and energetic, and it was shared that he could live another 20 years. And then, just like that, over a one week span, his bill of health declined. Though his physical appearance looked frail, he was coherent in conversation and mentally cognizant of his surroundings. As the evening hour waned and my dad expressed desire to rest, my optimistic self believed he would make a full recovery, which carried me through the night as my husband and I returned back to our home. 

The next morning I received a call from a sibling that had stayed with my dad through the night and attended to his care. As he observed my dad’s suffering in the early morning hours, before daybreak he took him to a hospital emergency room, upon where my dad passed the moment he was wheel-chaired inside. 

As my mom, no longer married to my dad, and many of my siblings were gathered around my dad’s emergency room bedside until they moved him to the morgue in the basement of the hospital, it was decided that we would all go back to his tiny apartment and move his minimalistic belongings from his place to one of my sibling’s place who lived nearby. The question was asked if anyone had a truck. Though a very surreal moment that my dad had in fact passed away, it was a tender mercy, with our car inoperable, my husband and I had come up in the truck. 

When our car randomly stopped working, I had no idea that two days later my dad would unexpectedly pass away and that being in the truck would be a tender mercy. In addition, my receiving the message and being with and conversing with my dad the night before he passed was a blessed tender mercy! 

As the weekend unfolded, I had come to know the why, the why my reliable car, without warning, had faltered a couple of days prior. 

When have you come to know the why something undesirable happened “for you”, which, the occurrence, in and of itself, was a provided tender mercy?

tendermercym❤️ments~jld

“How have you noticed Heavenly Father’s awareness and mindfulness of you today?”

*If you would like to receive an email when new posts are published which includes an audio version of the posts as well, please send your name and email address to tendermercymoments@gmail.com.

Far Better Than The Fear Anticipated

What became, as I went for it with overwhelming trepidation, was an experience far better than the fear anticipated. 

Following this morning’s school drop off, as I set out to run a planned errand, I received a spontaneous, strong impression to approach a fear head on. What became, as I went for it with overwhelming trepidation, was an experience far better than the fear anticipated. 

Though I grew up with snow, and lots of it, I did not know the angst of driving on hazardous roads conditions, icy roads in particular, until I experienced it first hand. Ever since, the trepidation I feel on snow packed roads with the potential for black ice has become quite intense. 

Over the weekend, via a social media feed, I saw a clip of the first snow of the season in a location a drivable distance away. When the spontaneous, strong impression came on, accompanied with the impression, it was a tender mercy an acknowledgement that today, being a beautiful Fall day in my area, sunshine, white clouds, and blue skies, was a perfect day and a great opportunity, prior to a family snowboarding and ski trip this winter holiday season, to practice driving in the recent snowfall and acclimate to my surroundings while the roads up to where it snowed were clear and dry.  

Though our children have been desirous and very much looking forward to this long-awaited, infrequent, outdoor time on the slopes, I silently, on the other hand, had been petrified and anxious about going as I visualized in my mind treacherous roads along the way.  

As I headed towards the fresh snow, I felt overwhelming anxiety and fear that did not let up the entire way there. My hands tightly clutched the steering wheel. My face went pale. My focus on the road, my breathing, and maintaining my mental confidence overtook my ability to enjoy the Fall beauty around me. I was in full on panic mode, yet, my why—to feel less anxiety while traveling if the roads were snow packed and icy when the time came for our family trip—was my drive to act on the spontaneous, strong impression.

A quarter of the way en route, anxious that my safety and well-being on this solo adventure could be in jeopardy, I felt it best to make a pit stop and call my husband and share with him my plight, where I was headed and the why, so he would know of my whereabouts. 

Ironically, upon my arrival, there was no snow. The snow had melted. The stunning, Fall scenery before me was far better than the fear anticipated. Not only was it a tender mercy I acknowledged the spontaneous, strong impression as an opportunity, while the weather was favorable, to face my fear, without resistance, for a desire for lessened anxiety if winter driving conditions were treacherous, it was also a tender mercy that though I missed taking in the beautiful landscape on the way there, I was able to soak it up and fully enjoy it on the way back. 

When have you sought out to conquer a fear upon a spontaneous, strong impression within a favorable opportunity to do so and you were met with a scene far better than the fear anticipated?

tendermercym❤️ments~jld

“How have you noticed Heavenly Father’s awareness and mindfulness of you today?”

*If you would like to receive an email when new posts are published which includes an audio version of the posts as well, please send your name and email address to tendermercymoments@gmail.com.

Not The Anticipated Probable “What if” Scenario

When a scenario I had never heard of before was presented to me and one that was not the anticipated probable “what if” scenario alternatives that had entered my mind, my fear and anxiety dissipated.

Upon a prompting I received to obtain preventive protection in the event of a sustained injury, trepidation set in as my mind contemplated probable “what if” scenarios I envisioned lie ahead for me. When a scenario I had never heard of before was presented to me and one that was not the anticipated probable “what if” scenario alternatives, my fear and anxiety dissipated. 

A couple of days before my annual well-woman visit, out of the blue, I received a prompting to get a tetanus vaccination booster. To this unexpected peaceful impression, angst also set in as I wondered why I would need it and thoughts of painful, “what if” scenarios that may be in store down the road for me from stepping on a rusty nail or broken glass to being in a car accident entered my mind. 

I knew I was given a booster within the last decade, however, I could not recall exactly the date. On the evening prior to my appointment, without any thought of the prompting, it was a tender mercy as I was casually organizing and decluttering a bin of papers, I came across my last tetanus vaccination record.

While at my well-woman appointment, I asked whether the office in-house lab gave vaccinations. Though they said no, I knew I was to receive it. So straightaway, following my appointment, I went to a CVS store. 

As I walked inside, it was a tender mercy when greeted by a concierge, I was able to bypass an entrance line designated for those receiving the COVID-19 vaccination and alongside the concierge, they guided me straight back to the pharmacy. While I awaited to be set up to receive the vaccination from the pharmacist, it was a tender mercy that during a brief dialogue with the concierge, they shared a reason for the tetanus is to be able to be in close proximity to infants and month old babies, a why I had never heard of before and one that would not incur an injury to myself or others. All of a sudden, my trepidation for the anticipated probable “what if” scenario I considered a likelihood washed away. I was relieved. 

Because of the prompting, though I do not like needles, I did not fear getting the vaccination, only the probable “what if” scenarios that would warrant preventative protection. And, because of the enlightenment from the concierge, it was a tremendous tender mercy that when the pharmacist indicated they were done, I didn’t even realize I had already been given the vaccination. I thought they were still prepping the site to administer it to me. Due to my relaxed state, the pharmacist described the needle like going into a sponge verses a rock. Not only did it not hurt when the pharmacist inserted the needle into my arm, my arm was not sore after either. 

When have you feared an anticipated probable “what if” scenario associated with a preventative prompting and a non-injurious scenario shared with you dissipated your anxiety? 

tendermercym❤️ments~jld

“How have you noticed Heavenly Father’s awareness and mindfulness of you today?”

*If you would like to receive an email when new posts are published which includes an audio version of the posts as well, please send your name and email address to tendermercymoments@gmail.com.

Despite The Perils That Lie Ahead

Despite the perils that lie ahead, I set aside our own well-being to first ensure the safety and protection of another.

Though I had a very direct and decisive plan to get myself and one of my children home as quickly and safely as possible on a winter advisory evening, due to an unexpected delay, despite the perils that lie ahead, I set aside our own well-being to first ensure the safety and protection of another. 

On this cold 30 degree evening, around dusk, as I was taking one of my children to an outing to meet up with their friends, the roads were fine. I am a cautious and vigilant driver as it is and while in route I became even more so as I noted a warning on a highway message board that icy conditions existed on the road. It was a tender mercy we did not encounter any ice along the way and we arrived safely to the destination. 

Soon after I dropped them off, it began raining. Figuring the roads would be more so unsafe to travel on as it grew darker, rather than drive the distance back home, I stayed out to window shop and grocery shop while they were with their friends. Upon completion of the activity several hours later, as I returned to pick them up, the highway was already slick and would assuredly become worse as the temperature dropped further into the late evening hours and early morning. 

Along the practically empty highway and frontage roads, while myself and other drivers, some with their hazard lights on, traveled slowly, patrol cars were out coning off portions of the highway to which I anticipated it would not be long before the major roads would be closed entirely. 

Before the roads became any more treacherous, my plan was to pick up my child and get home as quickly, which was not all that fast due to the road conditions, and safely as possible. Not wanting a repeat experience I had a couple of decades prior when hitting a patch of black ice, losing control, and ending up down an interchange embankment, I drove very carefully. 

At one point, as I crossed over a bridge with only one lane open due to a fire truck in the other lane attending to a vehicle that appeared to have spun out, my vehicle began to fishtail slightly back and forth a few times over the entirety of the icy bridge, narrowly staying clear of the firetruck as I passed by it. Amidst the tense and surreal brief seconds that ensued, my thoughts turned immediately to a fireside message I recently heard by Noelle Pikus Pace about looking where you want to end up. Recalling the experience she shared, it was a tender mercy I was able to repeatedly steady and maintain control of my vehicle.    

At the next exit a short distance past the bridge, I got off the highway and continued on my way to reach my child by means of the frontage roads. The time it took to get to them was slow. Once I arrived to pick them up, I was relieved I had made it to them safely and I was SO ready to be home. Well, it so happened that as my child came out, all their friends exited at the same time too, however, one did not have a ride and was waiting on their parents to arrive. 

Not wanting the friend to remain by themselves, without hesitation, I set aside our well-being, my child and I, to first and foremost ensure the safety and protection of my child’s friend. While we sat in the warmth of my parked car together till their parents arrived, it was a tender mercy as I observed the serenity of the quiet nightscape around me, I felt not only gratitude to momentarily be off of the hazardous roads, but I also felt a stillness and calm despite the perils that lie ahead as the road conditions deteriorated with each passing minute and uncertainty if the passageway home would be open.

Once the friend’s parents arrived, my child and I slowly ventured our way back home along icy roads and across multiple bridges, including a critical one that was frozen. It was a tender mercy we made it home safely and each friend confirmed that they, likewise, had as well. 

When have you set aside your own well-being, despite the perils that lie ahead for you, to serve another whom you observed was in need and after they were situated and all was well, you were watched over and kept safe too?

tendermercym❤️ments~jld

“How have you noticed Heavenly Father’s awareness and mindfulness of you today?”

*If you would like to receive an email when new posts are published which includes an audio version of the posts as well, please send your name and email address to tendermercymoments@gmail.com.

How Did That Happen?

After decades of having a fear of dogs and declining my kids request for one year after year, our family now has a puppy. How did that happen?

What do you know! After decades of having a fear of dogs and declining my kids request for one year after year, our family now has a puppy. How did that happen?

As a youth, I was nipped from behind by an angry unrestrained dog as I was walking home one day. After that occurrence, I’ve pretty much stayed clear of dogs and avoided petting them. Though I have enjoyed observing them from a distance, I have not wanted them close by me. 

When our kids repeatedly asked for a dog each Christmas, I was giddy when I would come across a creative dog gift I could give them in place of a real dog. The most memorable gift was the “fur real dog” and an awesome dog book that was so relatable and spot on to the desires of our children and the concerns of mine. Another memorable gift came from our children to my husband and I, and it is one I use often. It is a cute dog print plush fabric they purchased and sewed around the edges and made it into a blanket. 

Though fear was the primary reason for my not wanting to get a dog, over the years I would also share with my kids the secondary reasons for my not wanting a dog such as their odor, chewing at furniture and stair railings, cleaning up vomit, poop and urine in the house and vomit and poop outside in the yard, veterinary appointments, the expense of boarding while traveling, etc. 

A couple of months ago, prior to visiting a loved one with a puppy, our children once again asked if we could get a puppy. I said that if I did well around the loved one’s puppy then I would be ok looking into our getting one when we got back home.  What? How Did That Happen? How did I go from not wanting a dog to now being okay with one? I don’t know, other than the timing felt right. 

Surprisingly, I did really well being around the puppy and I did not experience any fear at all. As such, upon our return home, my kids and husband began researching about different dogs. It was a tender mercy we all agreed on and liked the same kind of dog, a labradoodle. 

Once we decided on the breed of dog, our children then made a list of all the labradoodle breeders within a 4 1/2 hour radius of us. It was a tender mercy that though most of the breeders on the list did not have any puppies available, the second breeder on the list referred us to one of their breeder friends, not on our list and located less than an hour from our place, who had one puppy pick available in their litter of seven after a recent buyer cancelled and the puppies were exactly what we were looking for in size, color, and generation of breed. As labradoodle puppies are in high demand in our area, the timing of our contacting the breeder was a tender mercy as they had not yet updated their website to indicate the availability status for the last puppy and we were able to secure placement for the last pick.  

In my initial dialogue with the breeder, I expressed my fear of dogs as well as my excitement to have a puppy and that what was most important to me was that the puppy got along with every family member, especially me considering my longtime fear of dogs. Though there was no guarantee if the last puppy would be the best fit for our family, it was a tender mercy that all of the puppies in the litter were cute and based on that alone, we would have been pleased with any one of them, though their was one in particular we wanted the most. Fortunately, it was a tender mercy that the last puppy left was the very one we had wanted and the one the breeder felt would be a perfect fit for our family. And that she is. She is sweet, has a calm temperament,  and interacts so good with each of us. 

Upon bringing her home, it was a tender mercy that as she sat on a blanket in the car between our two youngest teenage children, throughout the two hour car ride that included a few stops along the way for my husband and I to purchase puppy supplies we did not want to get before we were sure we were bringing a puppy home, she did not have any accidents in the car or need to stop to go potty before we got home. 

Caring for a puppy has been quite exhausting, particularly puppy potty training and maintaining a vigilant eye on her all throughout the day. It has been a huge tender mercy that around the clock she has had a family member able to care for her as everyone has been home full time from my husband working remotely and our children doing virtual learning due to the continued COVID-19 pandemic precautionary measures in place.

It has also been a tender mercy that an opportunity to facilitate an Emotional Resilience class has coincided with the timing of when we picked her up from the breeder as there have been many doozy of days while potty training her and not being able to get ahead of her messes for which I have been able to utilize, apply, and implement the skills and tools I am learning each week in the class to not give in to believing that I am not cut out to be a puppy owner. 

Another tender mercy has been that I have not needed to take on the nerve-racking attempt to clip and file her sharp nails that grow out quickly as she files her front paw nails all on her own via our stone fireplace. 

Additionally, within the first week and a half of having her home, she has visited the veterinary clinic twice, once for her initial puppy exam and the other time for an ear checkup when she started whimpering upon her ears being touched and I noticed redness on the cartilage side of one of her ears. 

Due to the timing of both appointments, I took her by myself as no one else was available to go with me. Being alone with a dog would have before now made me extremely nervous and I would not have been able to do it, however, I was not afraid. How did that happen? How did I go from not wanting a dog near me to now having a dog in my lap and holding and stroking her fluffy hair? It was a tender mercy that as I visualized and imagined the joy of having a puppy, I was able to love on her and not panic or feel fear. 

Also, being a first time dog owner and not knowing what I was doing or how to do certain things related to her care, it was a tender mercy the veterinary doctor offered to show me how to give her a tablet for ticks and fleas and to put medicine in her ear for a mild yeast infection. Watching the veterinary doctor do it was a tender mercy as I am a visual learner and seeing it done gave me a little more confidence that I could do it on my own.

When have you gone from absolutely never wanting to have something, for whatever reason, to overnight being completely ok with having it and wondering, “how did that happen?”

tendermercym❤️ments~jld

“How have you noticed Heavenly Father’s awareness and mindfulness of you today?”

*If you would like to receive an email when new posts are published which includes an audio version of the posts as well, please send your name and email address to tendermercymoments@gmail.com.

The Underlying Source Of My Anxiety Fully Came To Light

For more than two decades, I have dealt with intense anxiety while traveling here and there in a car with no idea why or from where it originated. It was not until recently that the underlying source of my anxiety fully came to light.

For more than two decades, I have dealt with intense anxiety while traveling here and there in a car with no idea why or from where it originated. It was not until recently that the underlying source of my anxiety fully came to light. 

I have racked my brain for years desiring to pinpoint any occurrence from whence I acquired the anxiety. Repeatedly, the same multiple memories of driving incidences would come to mind—the time during my childhood days while in the backseat in our family station wagon when our car was one of several vehicles abruptly tapped forward at a traffic light…to a time as a passenger in a vehicle with a road rage driver…to a time in high school as an occupant in a small car with friends and the friend who was driving drove through a stop sign at a main thoroughfare and crossed several lanes of traffic…to when my mom almost ran a red light at an intersection when she misheard my siblings in the backseat say a word that sounded like go…to the time as a teenager on a family trip when I drove through a mountain pass at night and the lights of a diesel truck blinded my view momentarily as the driver rounded a bend heading downhill from the inner lane next to the mountainside and I was climbing uphill in the outer lane alongside a cliff‘s edge. 

Though all were scary moments and it was a tender mercy no one was scathed, I would shake my head and say “nope, none of those feel like the source of my anxiety” and I would continue to wonder and ask the question, “why do I have this anxiety and from where did it originate?” No doubt I have been impacted by each incident, yet nailing down the underlying source of my anxiety has alluded me, until recently when I was back in the city where my first driving accident occurred 30 years ago.

As I was driving home on a parkway during rush hour traffic, I received a premonition I would be in an accident. Moments later, the car in front of me exited the lane and entered a middle lane to turn into a shopping center and then the driver changed their mind and came back over into my lane right in front of me, at which time my front bumper hit their back bumper. Fortunately, it was a tender mercy no physical injuries to either of us or visible damage to our cars occurred. That being the case, the driver was satisfied all was well and we went on our way. 

The year or two following and for a number of years after, while attending college and serving a mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints I did not have a car. I either walked, biked, or used public transportation to get around. My first recollection of the apparency of my anxiety was while my husband and I were driving in highly congested areas on our honeymoon six or so years after the accident. From that point forward, my anxiety has surfaced every time I am in a car, yet I have not been able to put my finger on the underlying source until now.

Throughout my entire stay upon my return to this surrounding area where the minor accident occurred, I felt an overwhelming anxiety, greater than usual while driving from place to place. Then suddenly, one evening as I was out and about I had an aha moment, an epiphany. It was a tender mercy it became clear to me right then that my anxiety resulted from the accident 30 years prior. 

Interestingly, I have on many occasions shared the facts of the accident as it comes up in a dialogue from time to time with a purpose to express my gratitude for the head’s up warning, our safety, and that I was not ticketed. Where I was not physically injured, I had not connected nor realized that the accident had mentally impacted me and has shown up each time I am in a car and want for there to always be a conservatively safe distance kept between my car and the vehicles ahead of me in the event a driver quickly pulls in front of my car. It is when that safe distance is breached, I experience intense anxiety, which happens frequently. 

Though this knowledge did not eliminate my anxiety, it was a tender mercy that the underlying source of my anxiety fully came to light and I now know the why and from where my anxiety originated. In addition, it was a tender mercy when one evening as I was close by the very spot the accident occurred, I felt a peacefulness. 

When have you experienced bouts of anxiety to any degree of any kind and not known the why and from where it originated and you felt a comfort when the underlying source of your anxiety fully came to light? 

tendermercym❤️ments~jld

“How have you noticed Heavenly Father’s awareness and mindfulness of you today?”

*If you would like to receive an email when new posts are published which includes an audio version of the posts as well, please send your name and email address to tendermercymoments@gmail.com.